Twinkling lights wherever you go, holiday desserts, family gathering, gift giving, time off from work - How could one not be happy around the winter holidays? The reality is that for many people, the holidays doesn't look like the joyous image I just described. This time of year looks different for everyone. Mental health, economic background, and a myriad of other factors can affect one's experience during this time of year.
Many people encounter the holiday blues, and it's nothing to be ashamed about.The National Alliance on Mental Health reports that 64% of people with mental illness report holidays make their condition worse. That's pretty significant. Even people without mental illness may find themselves feeling a bit down during this time of year. I have certainly struggled during Christmas at times for my own unique reasons. The key here is to remember that everyone has their own invisible (or visible) battles they are fighting, and oftentimes the solution looks different for different people. However, I would like to discuss what has helped me manage the holiday blues, and perhaps it can aid someone who is going through a tough time.
When people enter a holiday season, many of us glamorize this time. What we glamorize may be different for everyone. Maybe you see your family smiling and getting together, or maybe you give and receive the perfect presents. Whatever it is that we imagine, it tends to be more idealized. What many of us fail to remember is that holidays are just another day. Putting aside religious significance, Christmas and every other holiday is just another day that we are on this earth, and the power and importance it holds all stems from how much meaning we give to it.
When we give so much power to these holidays, we immediately raise our expectations surrounding them. Maybe we expect an estranged family member to reach out to us, a friend, or an ex. Maybe our expectations of our spouses, friends, and family rise. Imagine it's Christmas Day, you are a mother of three, and you are in the kitchen scrubbing crusted cookie residue off of a pan and your toddler is screaming about how they didn't get a toy they asked for. Maybe you feel completely beaten down and disappointed. This same instance may be played out months from now, and it may feel better because it is not surrounded by the context of a holiday. For many, any negative experience during the holidays is magnified by the harsh contrast of the glittering blissful standard that a holiday is represented to be in our modern society.
One can go on social media and see images of families gathering and laughing around a table filled with delicious food, a romantic couple cutting down a Christmas tree together, or a group of friends at a cookie-decorating party. We already know that social media can make us compare ourselves to others and glamorize others and make our own lives seem more glamorous. This does not change during the holidays, and may actually accelerate. People feel the pressure of showing that they are having a jolly ol' time, and a lot probably are having a jolly ol' time, but a lot are not as well. Loneliness is a common feeling, and it can be intensely magnified when you see pictures of couples in love and families congregating all over social media. Media emphasizes the importance of relationships during the holidays in all formats, and so the lack of relationships and seeing them advertised everywhere during this time can make people feel even worse.
The negative impact of social media may be felt strongly by many during the holidays because of these increased expectations. To manage this, we should either limit our exposure to social medias that bring us this feeling of inadequacy, or dive deeper and change our mindset.
To break out of this cycle of expectation and disappointment, we need to reframe the way we think about these specific days. We need to understand that human nature does not change because of Christmas trees, songs, or lights. If you are religious, you can still honor the holiday without holding yourself and other humans to unrealistic standards. It's not that we are cutting ourselves short, we are just not trapping ourselves in expectations that will lead to disappointment. Once we radically accept reality, we might find more peace, and what would be a minor disappointment won't turn into a huge devastation just because of the holiday.
My beloved dog Sophie died a week before Christmas this year, and her absence has left a whole in the hearts of my family. One of my favorite things about waking up on Christmas morning is giving Sophie her new toy and watching her rip through the wrapping paper. This won't be the case this year. I see the spot where her water and food used to go, and it is now empty. Her Christmas stocking hangs over the fireplace, empty. The pain in losing a pet is severe, as many of us know. The holidays seem to magnify this loss, but by separating the loss from the holiday, it feels more manageable. Instead of focusing on her absence this year, I focus on the time I get to spend with family and being home with them.
Many people, without any stimuli, may feel a weight or sadness on themselves during this time of year without knowing why. I do not have any credibility as a licensed psychologist (yet), but I can say that this is normal. We are told by ads, movies, songs, and other media that this time of year should be happy and joyful. When we don't feel this way, our low emotions may be magnified just by the mere contrast of these highs and lows surrounding us. Again, just by reducing the holiday to what it really is, just another day, can really improve this mindset. Allow your feelings, negative or positive, to roll off of you and find peace knowing that just like every year, this day will pass, and it will happen again and again until the day we leave this earth, and it will continue long after we leave. Stepping outside of ourselves and taking on the external looking-in from above perspective, we see that our suffering is universal and eternal, we are not alone it our grief and we can choose to radically accept and embrace our feelings and emotions with open arms.
Every day is another day we get to live on this beautiful oasis called earth. It may not feel like it to many people, but this earth nurtures us everyday with food, water, and its beauty. Going back to this simple idea that this day is just another day to enjoy this earth, human beings, and animals - is an idea that might help take the pressure off of this holiday season. Please be kind to yourself, and remember that many of us are going through similar if not the same feelings and emotions. Try not to rush through painful days, because you'll never get time back. I wish everyone peace and love during this holiday season.