I walk back from an evening program with a school group, and four kids are crying. That's how I know it's been a good night. I take them on a silent walk blindfolded, each of them holding the hand of the kid in front of them. The night walk ends with the fifth graders silently meditating for around ten minutes. It's like the Tetons know what lesson is planned, because they are partially hidden by thick gray clouds, and the sky surrounding them is equally as dark. The night is ominous, and moody, if night could feel. The tears start rolling when the kids open up about how they felt after the silence they were forced to endure for the last forty minutes. I never get silence like this. One said. It made me remember my grandpa who passed away. We used to do things like this. Said another. Everything that I've been keeping pushed down inside me is coming up. Said a boy who had been acting out all week. His head is ducked to the ground, and he cradles himself with his arms until his buddies around him replace his arms with theirs.
The kids who speak up are all the boys who have been mischievous and attention-seeking throughout the week. The girls stay silent, even when prompted. I wonder why the division is like this. Despite the political correctness of today's world, the vast majority of groups that I have seen still implement ideas like "be a man." I go back and forth with this one. I think there are distinctions between the sexes that make each one wonderful in their own way, but I also recognize each of the sexes do not always fit into certain models, nor should they be forced to. One of the schools that visited me was an all boys Catholic school and they titled their school trip "How To Be a Man in Wyoming." There is value in teaching young men to have traits like respect, honor, and courage - but I also think that sometimes the phrase doesn't always leave room for other traits that greatly enrich rising young men.
In the all-boys Catholic group, they are playing a game of pick-up basketball, and one boy lingers on the sidelines.
"Do you like basketball?" I ask. He nods. "I don't really care for it," I say. He hesitates for a moment.
"I actually don't either," he says.
"Well what do you like to do?" I ask.
"I like to draw." A smile spreads across his face for the first time since the game started.
Sometimes "be a man" skips over important traits like vulnerability and sensitivity, which are so important for personal mental health as well as mindful communication with others. We should celebrate what makes the sexes different, but not limit each one to its already implemented gender norm.
The crying boys from the meditation broke something open inside of them. They aren't given the space in their day to day lives as young men to be vulnerable like this. Not only does societal gender norms not always allow for such emotional releases from males, they also don't always allow women to as well. Men can take up space, whether that be as the class clowns, leadership, or the emotional release of the mediation walk. Even though the emotional release technically defied gender norms, it still grabbed attention just like males are given the space to do. Women are conditioned to be polite, courteous, proper, small. Perhaps this is why the young women did not speak up during the discussion circle after the meditation. They saw the young men opening up, and politely took a backseat.
There is so much to uncover in these vastly different groups of children. The complications of the sexes is something that is constantly changing, and does not have one right answer. Communities that encourage exploration and curiosity without focusing too much on gender norms seem to foster an environment where girls can be nurturing but also step up as confident leaders, and boys who are brave and adventuresome but also show an extreme capacity to be tender towards their peers and the environment. Perhaps the key is in striking a balance between embracing individual traits between the sexes while also allowing people to blossom beyond such traits to create their own identity as well. Aren't such traits of each sex important to every human, regardless of chromosomes?
Venturing out into the wilderness tests children a great deal. Anyone can be taught to be chivalrous, fearless, polite, or respectful - but to actually implement such traits when you are in an unfamiliar place such as the wild is a whole different beast. Hopefully these kids are emerging from the woods with a newfound confidence in themselves, regardless of what society tells them based on their gender.
The emotional release after the meditation partly had to do with gender norms, but also the environment in which kids these days grow up in in terms of stimuli. In a world filled with noise from all the technology available, there is not much room for silence. In all of the kids I have seen, this has been a common theme. This is a theme that deserves a whole individual blog post, so stay tuned!
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