There is a good chance that either you or someone you know has been in an emotionally abusive relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline states that almost half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Women ages 18 to 24 generally experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence. Both psychological and physical. Physical abuse has the potential to leave external scars, but psychological and emotional abuse leave no obvious visible evidence of harm, and presents a much different path to healing. Both are absolutely terrible, but there are many misconceptions that claim that emotional abuse is not as painful as physical abuse. Any type of abuse is painful and unacceptable, and deserving of getting help.
I am no expert on the subject, but I am someone who can speak from both first hand experience as well as secondarily watching loved ones suffer in the mental chokehold of their abuser. Identifying someone as an abuser does not come naturally to me, because I like to think that people are too complicated to adhere labels to, but there comes a point when you must identify patterns of behavior as abusive so that you can stop normalizing them. When caught up in an abusive relationship, it is so easy to ignore signs of abuse that can be so obvious to someone else, but completely justifiable to you. Oftentimes you see the truth, but you overlook it for a multitude of reasons. The purpose of this post is to not psychoanalyse the receiver (I don’t like the word victim), of abuse or the abuser, but to go over a few signs that are pretty good indicators that you are in an abusive relationship. I want you to feel empowered again, because if you are a receiver of emotional abuse, you know how disempowered you can feel when in the worst of it. Also, a reminder that everyone has different experiences and signs, so follow your intuition.
1. You have an unshakable mental fog
When you are mentally exhausted, overstimulated, and drained, you may find yourself in a state of paralyzing mental fog. Mental fog can feel differently for everyone, but it can feel like you are not being present in the current moment. This can be most noticeable when you are with others, yet you may feel somewhat disassociated from them, lost somewhere in the clouds that are encumbering your mind. Maybe you feel like you are not getting as much joy out of the everyday activities that you once revelled in. Listen to your mind and body during these times of feeling this way. It is normal for everyone to get into funks every once in a while, but if you find that you are constantly in this state while in a relationship, it may be time to look into correlating signs.
2. You feel like you are losing your mind
Do you feel like you have lost complete control of your mental state with no obvious reason? Lots of times in emotionally abusive relationships, the abuser will make it seem like you are the one that needs help. This can be accomplished by gaslighting, one of the most terrifying methods to strip your mind down to make you rely on them even more. Gaslighting is extremely scary because it can get the affected partner to believe the false truths that the abuser is telling them. These things could include ideas that they are remembering past events incorrectly, that their friends do not care for them, that they will never survive without then, etc. There are so many different ways that abusers can gaslight, but the main idea is that the recipient is so emotionally depleted that they start to believe these ideas, hence gaslighting.
3. Physical intimacy feels like a bandaid to your problems with your SO
Many times people in emotionally abusive relationships turn to physical intimacy as a means of keeping their tattered relationship from completely unraveling. Every fight, goodbye, and tearful exchange seems to be solved by intimacy. This method of trying to solve one’s issues is not going to solve anything, and will wind up leaving both parties emotionally depleted. It also creates an unbalanced power in the relationship if intimacy is purposely used to rope vulnerable and hurting parties back in.
4. Love bombing becomes a pattern
Love bombing is known as showering a person with excessive affection and attention in being able to gain control or significantly influence their behavior. This attention might feel good, or overwhelming, but it is manipulation regardless. Lovebombing may look like excessive words of affection to an extreme extent, constant excessive gifts at inappropriate times, or any other grandeur display of affection. There is a difference between valuing a person and wanting to show them that through loving acts, and someone that uses grand acts to get what they want, whether that be getting back together, physical intimacy, getting you to do something, or getting back in your good graces. Pay attention to when these displays of affection happen. Do they happen right before you do something the abuser really wants? Do they happen after really bad fights? How do they react if you reject these love bombing acts? It is easy to accept and dismiss this as passionate love, but no healthy loving relationship is built upon using manipulation of the heart as a means to gain power and control in a relationship.
5. You get defensive when people express concern
Friends and family will be unwelcome and unsupportive voices in your eyes when in an emotionally abusive relationship. A simple voiced concern from a friend regarding your relationship could make you get very defensive and angry, and this is something to take note of. Of course you shouldn’t blindly listen to others regarding your relationship, but when multiple people in your life are telling you there is an issue and you find yourself becoming defensive, their warnings are something to give some thought to. Of course the abuser will only forward the idea that these concerns from others are absurd, leading to my next point.
6. You feel emotionally and/or physically isolated from friends and family
This is one of the biggest signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. Abusers will try and convince you that your friends and/or family don't have your best interest in mind. They will try and convince you that these people don’t really care about you, and only the abuser themself truly cares about you. This can lead the recipient of the abuse to distance themselves from their friends/family both emotionally and physically, and consequently feel very alone and isolated. With no one else but the abuser to talk to now, there is a high likelihood to get lost in the gaslighting and feel like you are completely losing yourself. Without external voices of reason and support while being emotionally abused, it makes it even harder to see the truth and remove yourself from the situation. This may be one of the most painful and dangerous parts of an emotionally abusive relationship.
There is something very important to remember through all of this:
Being emotionally abused does not mean that you are a weak person.
I remember that for the longest time after I experienced an emotionally abusive relationship, I thought that I must be a weak person for putting up with all all the inexcusable treatment. This is not true, and if you are going through something similar, please try and remember these words even if you don’t fully believe then yet. Emotional abusers pick on the caring and empathetic. The vast majority of people that I have met that have been stuck in these relationships have exhibited both these qualities. They also tend to be people pleasers, and have the urge to help others get through pain, often termed as “fixers.” These traits are for the most part very positive, admirable traits, but also have the potential to be destructive when caught in emotionally abusive relationships. These qualities of wanting to help others becomes a reason to stay in situations that are harmful to oneself. Abusers consciously or subconsciously can see this in the recipient, and they know that they can hook you because of your inherent nature of wanting to absolve them of pain. This can lead to the abuser using guilt to keep you right where they want you, claiming that if you leave them, not only would you be responsible for destroying them, but you also would be a bad person. This could not be farther from the truth. The recipient fears failing the person they love and darkening their image in their eyes most of all, so they stay, and the cycle continues.
You don’t have to lose your empathy and kindness to abandon an emotionally abusive relationship. Don’t let a negative experience turn you cold to a world that could benefit so much from your warmth. What you need to do is embrace your warmth, while simultaneously creating strong boundaries. Understand that you are still an empathetic person, even if you don’t give all of yourself to every hurting person. Turn your empathy and kindness towards yourself, just like you do to others. Would you let others go through things similar to the abuse that you have been experiencing? Probably not. You can still protect yourself by setting boundaries and walking away, while being a good person. As soon as you understand that, you will start to come into your own sense of power and strength that an emotionally abusive relationship can rob you of.
I do not believe evil exists. I believe that people are very complicated, and can simultaneously be loving and hurtful. People act out for a number of reasons, and I believe wholeheartedly that everyone is deserving of love. The one thing that truly changed my life for the best is the idea that you do not have to put yourself through emotional abuse for anyone. It is not your responsibility. Yes, everyone is deserving of love, but you do not have the ability to love to your fullest extent when you are not being treated right. It is a common phrase, but you must love yourself first, and abusers often do not do this, and it is not your responsibility to fill that void. Please remember that through all of this, you have one life, and you deserve as much love and happiness in that life as possible. Harness your power by giving yourself some of that kindness and empathy, because the kinder you are to yourself, the kinder you are to the world.
It is so easy to look at hundreds of articles online giving you advice, and find bits and pieces that don't apply to you and abandon the whole idea of being in an emotionally abusive relationship. There is no formula for abuse, it can be different for everyone. Look inwards, trust your intuition, lean on trusted loved ones, and take a chance on yourself. Everything will be okay. Feel free to reach out to me on here, or a crisis hotline.
Comments